As best I can remember, I originally posted this blog post some time during 2005 or 2006 on the now-defunct WritingUp.com, and because I've been too busy (or something) to maintain a semblance of a working blog these past few months, I hereby provide this tasty archival morsel.  It is my sincerest hope that posting these foul words precludes some increased production on my part in the near future.

In case my words are misunderstood in these strange and uncertain times, let it be known in no uncertain terms that I do not promote or condone violence against anyone for their race, religion, creed, or sexual orientation.

Image Courtesy of Ian Britton and FreeFoto.com under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommerical-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.

Indeed. Remember the Sabbath, and keep it holy. This is perhaps the most important Commandment ever carved into a stone tablet, and it is one you would all do well to heed if you wish to avoid finding yourself in the Sea of Souls at the mercy of your best friend. He will gnaw upon your head like it is beef jerky for all eternity. Dante seemed to think absolute zero epitomizes ultimate suffering, but I would much rather spend my Afterlife in excruciating frigidity than splashing about with billions of other lost souls. This is your future, though, if you fail to worship every Sunday.

But this thing isn't about Dante or Inferno. Certainly not. For the first time in a few years, I picked up a New World Translation (NWT) Holy Bible and got farther than I ever have before. I got all the way to Chapter Five of the Book of Matthew, in fact, with a .38 Special from about sixty paces away. It took me three shots to do it, but that third hollow-point bullet made the thing dance a jig for one split second. I was lucky to have hit it at all from such a distance seeing as how twilight was falling upon the land, and aiming the pistol proved more difficult in the dark than it had earlier in the afternoon. After savoring the feat for a few brief moments, though, I reloaded the pistol and fired five more shots point blank through the Bible. I could hear them screaming - Noah, Bathsheba, Abram, Jonah, and all the rest. I got every one of those miserable fuckers. They've been asking for it for a long time. They should consider themselves lucky, though. If I hadn't have been immersed in a game of Pistol Baseball, I would have fired twelve more rounds into the thing.

Before I get any further, I must stress that I would never terrorize a King James Bible in this manner if only because the King James Version exhibits more grace and style in Genesis 1:1 than the NWT manages to all the way through Revelation. A King James Bible is truly a thing of beauty not be sullied by bullets, fire, or half-assed updates meant to sedate modern day human beings by appealing to them on their level. Whoever thought putting the NWT into widespread circulation was a good idea should be castrated for crimes against quality and literary eloquence. The NWT is nothing more than a dogmatic abortion that foretells of darker days to come. It is a harbinger that we mustn't ignore, for if we do, one day we will be seeing biblical translations in text-speak and backwoods West Virginian slang. The Bible will swell with inaccuracy. It shall be overrun by anachronism, and we shall all be worse people for it because, as it stands, the King James Bible could very well be one of the greatest works of literature every composed. However, my money for the top spot is on Gilgamesh.

Nonetheless, this outburst against the Good News and its preliminary component was not just an attack against literary inadequacy but an exorcism of sorts of lingering demons from fifth grade when I was made to memorize the Lord's Prayer, the Nicene Creed, and the Lutheran Pledge of Allegiance (I shit you not) and recite them all in front of my class. Word travels fast in parochial schools, and it was a well-known fact that I was an unbaptized heathen running amok among good, upstanding young Christians. The bastards made an example of me, and they might as well have marched me down the hallway while letting the entire student body take bites out of my legs. I am not normally a patient man, and I have been looking for revenge for a long time without ever saying a word.

But this is all the distant past, as everything is becoming the distant past more quickly than we recognize. Sometimes the only thing to do is shoot a bullet straight through those old memories, wake the fuck up, and realize when you've been hoodwinked.


"God hath delivered me to the ungodly, and turned me over into the hands of the wicked. I was at ease, but he hath broken me asunder: he hath also taken me by my neck, and shaken me to pieces, and set me up for his mark. His archers compass me round about, he cleaveth my reins asunder, and doth not spare; he poureth out my gall upon the ground. He breaketh me with breach upon breach, he runneth upon me like a giant." Job 16:11-14, King James Translation

"God hands me over to young boys
And into the hands of wicked ones he throws me headlong. I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up; And he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me, And he sets me up as a target for himself. His archers encircle me; He splits open my kidneys and feels no compassion; He pours out my gallbladder to the very earth. He keeps breaking through me with breach after breach; He runs at me like a mighty one."
Job 16:11-14, New World Translation